A 8 Year Long Love Story

 A long time ago, there was a boy who fell in love with a girl for the first time.

He first met this girl during a school orientation, when everyone was seated and getting ready. Suddenly, this girl ran in, and he clearly remembers that moment. "Sorry I’m late!" she said. And that was when he saw her and fell in love for the first time.

She mentioned that she likes to drink watermelon juice, specifically with milk. And this boy, who was madly in love with her, bought her the drink she liked every day to take to class for her first thing in the morning. Everyone in the class knew the boy liked the girl, and it was no secret. They grew closer every day by socializing with their classmates.

And finally, they took their first photo together.

They went to their first school-night event together.

They went to their first solo movie together. They watched "Warm Bodies." a romance film that the boy never understood but went ahead to choose because he thought it was more appropriate to watch a romance film for their first movie together.

And he treasured every second with her.

One day, during a class water activity, he found out through his classmates that she had a boyfriend then, and his world came crashing down. But still, he kept it to himself. Or at least he tried. When it was time for lunch, the group went to Subway. They all sat down, leaving just the boy and his crash at the table.

"Why do you look so down?" she asked.

The boy replied, "You really want to know?"

She hesitated for a while.

"I felt upset because I found out that you have a boyfriend." "And I like you," the boy responds impulsively.

The atmosphere went still. They both did not know how to answer each other, but the day went on. Having the courage to confess his liking for her took great courage. And this courage will one day be rewarded. But for now, they went low. Or rather, he did.

A few months later, the boy found out that she broke up with her then-boyfriend and thought that it was time for him to strike. He got closer to her again and even asked her out for a second movie outing. They watched "The Croods," as he thought that a comedy cartoon movie would cheer her up after her breakup.

The movie ended with him sending her home late into the night. He requested that they take a photo together for memory's sake, and they did. After that night, the boy told his friend everything about her at a playground nearby. The boy’s friend told him to confess to her through text. The boy could not hold back his feelings any longer, and he did. only to be rejected by her. "I am not ready for another relationship," she replied. And for the second time, the boy’s world came crashing down.

Fast forward to a year later. Now that they are both final-year students, they managed to chance upon each other while mixing in their cliques, and they started talking to each other again. One day, when the boy had to go overseas for a school exchange program, she came to send him and the group off at the airport. While taking photos, the girl requested to take a photo with the boy as well, and he agreed. When they stood next to each other, little did the boy expect that she would hook his arm for the photo. The boy was shocked beyond words, but he was very happy deep down.

After the boy flew off for his trip, he kept thinking about her hooking his arm to the photo throughout the flight and kept looking at the Polaroid they took together with a smile on his face. He couldn't stop thinking about that magical moment, and one night, while the group was relaxing in the hotel room, he decided to pull out all the polaroids he'd taken, including the one with her and confidently announced. "I will shuffle these polaroids, and since I picked the one with us together, I will chase her again after going back!" And he did pick out the one with them in it.

And so he did what he said. He started to chat with her and met up with her more often in school and after school. He even started working at her restaurant when she said that she was so busy with her part-time work because her workplace is short on manpower. The boy had not worked in an F&B setting before, but he did not hesitate to apply at her workplace.

As time went by, they both got closer, both at school and at work. One day, while accompanying her to visit her sick friend, she hooked his arm again. And that was the sign for the boy to confirm his status.

"Are we boyfriend and girlfriend now since you hooked my arm for the second time?" he asked over text.

She replied, "If you think we are, then we are."

The boy was so delighted over the answer that he was over the moon, jumping around like a kid.

They walked home after work for a long time.

They missed morning classes as often as they could remember since they would always stay out late into the night as the boy could not bear to part with her.

They went to school together every day.

It was their first time holding hands.

They had their first kiss.

All was well during the first few months, and after the honeymoon period, sh*t started to go down. And, as with all good things, the bad ones came first.

They had their first fight.

They had their first argument.

They had their first disagreement.

And finally, they had their first big fight on Christmas day.

For the first time, he broke her heart.

For the first time, he saw her cry.

For the first time, he felt that he was going to lose her.

Although the couple had many fights, small and large, over the years, they believed they had resolved them. They had no idea they were simply sweeping them under the rug.

Old debts seemed to be ever-recurring. They started to realize their differences in personalities.

"Don’t you think we became couples too quickly?" "We skipped the friendship phase and jumped straight into being lovers."

And that shook the boy that night.

He didn't want to accept how quickly they fell in love.

He did not want to accept that they had unmatched personalities.

And ultimately, he did not want to accept that they were not suitable for each other.

They were at a stage where they had fights regularly over everything, and anything did not surprise them anymore. till one day during New Year’s Eve, when the girl did something that the boy was not comfortable with and told her off about it.

That was the day he upset the girl so badly that they took their first break from the relationship, the first one being a week long. Over the years, they had frequent, huge fights that ended with them taking breaks from the relationship at least once a year. to the extent that the boy’s friends were not surprised anymore. And with each break, the duration and the harshness of the girl increased to unbearable levels. It slowly ate and swallowed the boy, while he could only suffer alone while waiting for the girl to return to him. He assumed she would always return to him after the break, but little did he know that she actually left one day.

Eight years into the relationship, the two had gone through so much friction and hardship together. They went through many milestones in their lives. From graduating from polytechnic school together to surviving NS couple life The boy thought that as long as he put enough effort into the relationship, it would last forever. He had no idea that their time was coming to an end with their finals.

The last time they went out on a date

The last time they had a meal

the last time they stayed over.

The last time they had a conversation

And on that fateful day, they fought, a fight that some might belittle since it was over the text, and the boy had to make a remark, a remark he belittled and one that he will regret saying for the rest of his life.

They were on the verge of each other’s nerves over an issue with their meeting time at night. They could not get each other’s point, and the boy sent, "Eh, you got beef with me, ah?" The girl did not reply to him the entire day, even though he felt bad for saying that and wanted to have a talk with her later that night. But he did not know that there would no longer be a next time.

As the boy was heading over to meet his friends for a birthday celebration, the girl finally replied to him.

"Do you think I have beef with you?" she asked for the first time.

"No," the boy replied reluctantly, knowing that she was already upset about the remark.

"Then why did you even ask that?" she replied.

followed by a message that she sent that the boy would never forget.

"Let's break up," she sent.

The boy was stunned, and he fell at the bus stop stunt. He tried to message her in panic, seeking her forgiveness and asking for them to have a talk about it, but this time, she stood her ground. He tried to send her every message to keep her from breaking up with him, but ended with,

"Please, I beg you, just let me go."

And after that moment, the boy was blocked everywhere possible online.

He stood motionless, lost in thought, and gazed. He could not believe what had just happened to him. He texted so many of his friends and even the girl’s friend to ask what happened, and everyone’s answer confused him even more. He wanted to go and look for her so badly that he almost wanted to abandon his birthday friend to find her and talk things out immediately but ultimately chose not to. As much as he wanted to, he knew that this time he had to make the right choice to leave her alone and give her the space she needed at the moment.

The boy suffered greatly for two months following the breakup. And as time passed, some parts of the boy healed, while others remained in his heart. As the boy could never bear to let go of someone that he once loved so deeply with everything he could for the first time, let alone with such a long duration of eight years. Every day, he does not fail to think about her. Although his hopes of getting back together fade with each passing day, he, too, works on himself every day with that hope.

Looking back on how far the boy had come while I was typing out this story, I would like to say I am proud of that boy. So proud of that "me" who has given his all for the past eight years without expecting anything in return except for her to stay.

After the breakup, it made me realize a lot, both the good and the bad. I reflected on the bad I had done and hope to do better. But there will no longer be a chance for you to witness the change that I had made. 

I also recently went past the places that we visited together, the path we walked many times, and the places we used to eat together, some of which no longer exist anymore. I also listened to the songs that we listened to together. But all that is now part of our memories that I will forever hold and treasure.

My first love might have ended, even though I wished so dearly that she would be the one. Although I am still trying to let you go as much as I can, there will always be a space in me that contains you and our time together. Perhaps the reason I had the sudden urge to write out this entire timeline is that I would like to give myself the closure that you did not give me until the very end. And ultimately, for me to close this chapter of my life and move on to the next.

Even though you repeatedly triggered my insecurities and were not honest with me, and you said I will never understand you. I chose to look past those insecurities and tried to understand you better. I hold no regrets or resentment against you. The only regret I have is that I could not give you what you needed as a boyfriend for eight years. After all, you are the first love that has seen the best of me and gone through the worst with me. Given the chance, I would still choose to meet and fall in love with you all over again. But that is now a dream, and our memories will be remembered and treasured.

I hope you can find someone to fill my role better. Someone who can give you what you wanted for the past eight years that I couldn't.

No matter what happens between us in the near future, be it us reconciling or us being able to find closure and move on, it is no longer within my control. I am honestly happier now that I am slowly finding the old me that I had not seen for eight years and that I can be myself again. I hope you are happier too because I could never bear to see you unhappy without me by your side.

Life will never be the same without you, but life goes on, as do we. "Even when the whole world turns its back against you, I've got yours." And I will continue to uphold this promise to you, but now from afar. Just hit me up if you ever need me by your side, ok? Remember, I haven't deleted your contact yet.

With love,

Your cheesy-kun

Thank you.

 Hello, I hope you are doing well.

I am sending you this email perhaps as a farewell message or a closure message depending on how things go. 

The beginning of our happiness.

Remember how I used to chase you during our ITE days, TWICE some more. 

Because this was the girl that made me go crazy for the first time in my life. I wanted to make you mine so bad that it hurts when I got rejected by you for the first time. 

After you hooked my arm during the send-off for my Shen Zhen trip, I thought so hard on my flight there and throughout the entire trip that once I return and that was when I knew I will do anything to get her again! And I did that straight once I came back. 

From buying you food and gifts to sending you stuff during classes although we were in different classes which made me so devastated back then, to have to wait for hours for you to end work after school. 

I even went to Tsubo to work with you just to get closer to you even though I have not worked in FnB before. 

And one day you finally saw through my efforts and accepted me as your boyfriend. 

Man, I was over the moon that day that I jumped around like a small boy that I finally have you as my girlfriend.

From our first time holding hands to the first peck on the cheek and to our first kiss, it was all too magical that it gave me butterflies in my tummy. Credits to you for making most of the first moves cause I was being a "gentleman".

When things start to go wrong.

However, as time passed, we found out each of our own flaws and could barely handle them. 

We started to have disagreements and fights about how we became a couple too quickly without going through the 'friend' stage.

But we made it through the next 7 years, thinking we could continue on but we barely addressed the issues.

You might hate me now.

You might hate me for sending you this message to haunt you.

You might hate me for the unintended hurt that has caused you to suffer in pain.

You might hate me for not giving you what you needed in a relationship.

And you might hate yourself for ending this relationship.

And I am sorry.

But I hope this email gets to you since I had lost all ways to contact you. 

Ever since 2 years ago we had a big fight like this one too and that already made us stand at the edge. 

I will be very honest, every time we had a big fight I will start to lose vision of our future. The future that I yearned for, since the very beginning of our relationship. It made me doubt our relationship and even our compatibility. 

Are we that different and not suitable? 

After all, we did share 7 years of wonderful memories together and that cannot be fake.

Although you still gave in time after time to sustain the relationship, you too were slowly losing confidence in the relationship and even told yourself that there will be no more next time to get yourself hurt again. I am sorry.

We began to distance ourselves from troubles and quarrels. 

We overlooked what we needed from each other as we had little to no more expectations that we can fulfill each other's needs in a relationship. 

I will be honest, I started to give more excuses for our meetups.

Excuses like different work schedules and free days, your workplace is too far from mine, I need to go home to play a game, I need to go workout, I am tired, are just a few of the "reasons" I give myself for not making the effort to meet you. I am sorry.

I also see myself brushing off any unhappiness when we meet up, saying "up to you" more often as I do not want to start another fight and cause more friction between us.

The final straw.

After the breakup, it made me realize so many things. 

Things that I took for granted for the past 7 years. 

Things that we fought over and over again and yet I chose to tell myself that it is not a compatibility issue between us.

Things as simple as your love language being of actions instead of words, but I only gave you words of affirmation which was not what you needed. 

If given the chance to have one last talk with you. 

I would be sure that I will put in all the effort to make things right for us once and for all.

To make sure I solve the issues from the very beginning that we did not address and come up with a solution. 

Although it is not promised to be an easy journey ahead from here, I want and am willing to give us one last try.

HAND IN HAND.

I really hope we can give ourselves one last chance after 7 years of being a couple.

I am sure we both do not want to end this with regrets.

I am ready to face this challenge and more together as a couple and I really do not wish to see us end. 

If all else is lost, I am getting ready to let you go to see you happier without me. 

Never have I regretted meeting you, the only regret I have was not trying enough and giving you what you needed the most. 

The actions of love and initiative from me that you needed when all seems lost. 

If given the chance, I will still wish to meet you in the next life and many more after and be a couple, a couple that fights against the world. 

Thank you for everything you have given me for the past 7 years. 

I love you and I always will. 

Good Bye

 The news hit me so hard and suddenly. I was on my way after work ended and you texted me and called it an end and to end your misery.

I was not allowed to reconcile, and not a single drop of mercy was shown. And subsequently, you blocked me on telegram.

I panicked on the way but to my surprise, I did not break down at that moment. 

I wanted to rush down to meet you to talk things out but in the end, I decided not to since it might only make things worse with our emotions getting the better of ourselves, or myself instead.

Till the end of that night, I was still lost in limbo. I did not know what to feel then.

I had a long chat with the bros till late into the night and it has led me to see many things clearer. 

Do you see a future with her? if you can patch things up this time, can you handle the emotional damage on the next occasion? are you ready to be the bigger man to let her go and see her happier without you? 

All these questions flooded my mind, again and again, the entire night like ghosts haunting me. 

Although I have had a rough idea of my answers, I choose not to believe them like how I did time over time when we had such huge fights in the past. 

I began to doubt myself and ultimately doubted our relationship back then. 

My bro told me, "how many 7 years more do you guys have to continue this?" And that really shook me to the core. 

There are so many things that I can type out here but as I am typing this post, too many emotions and thoughts are flowing through my head. 

I woke up the next day with the first thing in mind being you, and I finally broke down alone. I could not take it and I let the emotions get the better of me.

I felt so hopeless and helpless. Later on, I found out that you removed me and maybe blocked me on all possible social media platforms. 

After which your friend texted me saying that you are quite final on your decision and wanted to distance yourself away from me. Also, the news came in of asking your friend to do the belongings exchange on your behalf gave me the impression that all was over. 

I could not muster the courage to face you to handle the issue at hand as much as I want to. But I doubted when I asked myself how many more times can I do this? 

Is it really time to let go to see you happier without me? 

I know it would.

But in the long run, will we truly be happier without each other? After all, being together for 7 years is really not a short duration.

We have tided through waves of problems and stuck with each other for a quarter of our current life and in 1 day it all ended like that.

Could you bear to see it end like this? I know I could not. 

But if the final decision of yours is for me to let go of you, I will try my best to fulfill that request of yours and end our 7 years long relationship. 

You were my first and I longed for you to be my last. 

I love you and always will and I know that you did too.

Perhaps we were really not meant to be because of our differences like you always said which I choose not to believe time after time but now I finally see it.

What you needed I could not give. What I needed you could not give either. 

I am really sorry it has to end this way and although I thought I was ready to let go and end this, I could not bring myself to do it.

Although I still do not want to give up, the chances of salvaging this relationship are far beyond my vision at this point. 

If given the chance, I would still like to fight for you and fight for the US.

I do not regret this relationship and I hope neither will you.

Dare I say this, given the chance in the next life, I will still wish to meet you and have a relationship with you again no matter what. 

I'm back

So here I am back after a long time. Whenever I'm back typing here, mostly nothing good is gonna be posted.
It all started on a new year's day, a simple truth hidden behind the thinnest wall, got found out. As tough as my front can be is as weak as my trust has been. I detest people who tamper with my trust and out of everyone, I had to be you that broke that trust by hiding such a simple matter from me.
If you could just tell me that simple matter, things would not have turned out the way it is today.

You said you're tired or crying. You said you're tired of being sad. But is that fair to me? Do I wish this tragedy to be upon us? How come the simplest but the most terrifying truth is always the worst when it is the most needed?

Time has changed you and me, for better or for worst. A friend of yours said I didn't become worst but just lost myself. I with old core values and a new hollow shell. I bet you knew it too as I've said many times too. But at the end of the day, it is me who faces my own demons and fears with no one that can truly understand me, not even you.

Things that I had written here are fairly similar in one way or another because when an issue arouses, you never truly wanted to fully resolve it unlike me. You liked to sweep it under the rag, pretend nothing has happened. When everything is right beneath your very nose. How long do you want to escape from fights that are reoccurring time after time? You can longer take it anymore, and neither could i. As I had been fighting for us from the very start till the very end.

Yes, I've changed, I became so vulnerable when I'm with you that I've become weak, for such to be with you comfortably. But everything comes with a price, a huge price no one is ready to pay when the time comes. So neither am i.

There is still more to be said for this sad new year. But things got to come to an end. And possibly our relationship too.

Alone

Everything just seems to crash down.
We thought that it might be better from then since.
But we were wrong.
I was wrong.
All the effort i put in, who can truly see it.
To you all i am is a false hope.
Maybe you aren't truly proud of me at all.
Whatever i do, its never enough nor up to your standard.
What shall i even do now.
I am beyond upset.
I am all alone now.

Dream girl

It was that one night that I dream about 'her'.
The 'her' that only existed in my dream. That one and only vivid dream.
Our meeting was a sudden one. As she appeared with a partner as some kind of agent.
Then that was when i set my eyes on her.
She was so kind and lovey. Words cannot describe how much i fell in love with her.
And not long after, we got to hang out for the very first time.
It was a wonderful experience.
Although i cannot get her name or any form of contact as she said she was some kind of top secret agent.
Despite the fact that she was a secret agent, we hang out a lot more often.
As time past, i fell in love with her deeper and deeper.
Till one day fate tore us apart.
One day, another agent came in. Not knowing what was his motive. But i was framed.
Framed for something that i have not done at all.
He climbed out of the window and faked a suicide.
That was when my memory about this dream got blurry.
And i never got to saw her ever again.
Our meeting and our parting both suffered the same fate, it was both so sudden.
Even my greatest regret in a dream is not even knowing her name.
Sadly as I am typing this story, I am slowly forgetting her looks.
This was indeed, a vivid dream.
A dream and memory I hope not to forget. Because she was my,
Dream Girl.

Day

One day can go by without contacting me.
No question, no doubts, no care. Nothing.
If you can do that for one day, what a month? What about a year?
Can you really stand this for long?
Honestly, i can't and i will never will.
So what should i do?
Close an eye or two?
I honestly don't know.
Do we even match?
I ask myself so many times.
What am i to you?