Shits

This might be one of my darkest period of time.
I've never felt so bothered by so many things in my life so far till now.
I have fucking friends problem. I don't even know who is my real friend or who is just a fucker waiting to stab my back.
I have fucking relationship problems to deal with that needs me to improve myself for the better of others.
I have fucking self problem where i'm having such fucking bad temper and anger management due to all the shit happening around me recently.
I don't even know what to do to get all this burden of me.
When i know not all fault is mine to carry.

What

So what does it really take to be a good boyfriend?
Being the fault of your late meeting when he knows you're not feeling well so letting you rest over the time?
Seeing you cry sometimes when you get really upset but its just me crying all the time?
Doing what i think its right and best for you but rather it upsets you?
I really don't know where this relationship is going anymore compare to last time.
So many things have changed, both you and i.
So what should i do? Wait for the one day when either you or I break down from everything?
Wait for the day when i give up on us?
I really don't know what to do anymore.
Being the one always compromising and not being compromised feels like shit. Feels like i'm being fucked around.
I bet its the first time hearing me say "leave me alone" and yet your one reply is just a "k". WOW.

Pointless

It's pointless for me to look for you anymore. It's just meet you after work, send you home and i'm going home alone.
It's pointless for me to go and look for you early in the morning every damn holiday when all i do is just wait for you to wake up and go to work and its just me going home alone again.
It's pointless for me to do so much stuff for your when you barely even did shit for me.
It's pointless for me to put you as my priority when i'm not even your first priority. Its always your friends that comes first.
It's pointless for me to care so much when you don't even give a fuck.
It's pointless for me to show you so much affection when you barely do.
It's pointless for me to put in so much effort for you when you don't even fucking do.
It's pointless for me to expect anything from you because at the end, its all just disappointments.
It's pointless for me to try to understand you when you yourself don't try.
It's pointless for me to get you stuff since you barely wear them or use them and just throw them aside.
But the saddest part is that It's pointless for me  to say all this things. Because you will never understand.

Sick and tired

Sadly, i'm back again.

I guess this place won't die out that easily.

I'm sick and tired of empty promises. Whenever i ranted on you and you said you will try to do something about it. But you didn't

I'm sick and tired of going to your house early in the fucking morning just to accompany you to sleep but all i do is just fucking wait for you to wake up and go to work again and again every fucking day.

I'm sick and tired of feeling alone and lonely. Isn't it fucking pathetic to feel lonely even when i'm in a relationship? 

I'm sick and tired of letting in to you for whatever the fuck you do wrong.You fucked up, i angry and you angry and end up i have to give in.

I'm sick and tired of your ignorant and so much of the don't care attitude. Whenever there's a problem you simply just don't give a fuck.

So why should i do so fucking much for you when you barely did any fucking thing for me?!

I'm dam fed up with all this shit.

I wish I've went to HHN5 with my friends instead of going with you. I was looking so much forward for the event with you but yet you don't even seem to have fun because it's "not your thing".

Fuck you man...

Stop saying you miss me and whatever when you don't even put in the effort to see me.

Tell you to come find me in the morning you say you're not a morning person and it's hard for you to wake up early in the morning. So when i wake up every fucking damn morning on every holidays we have to go to your house? 

And also, i fucking hate it when you're sleeping and when i expect a hug from you during sleep. None. Never was there once. 

Give whatever excuse you have for not doing anything i requested from you.

Isn't it pathetic for your own boyfriend to even need to REQUEST something from you and not you giving on your own.

Look at the amount of fucking things i want to rant. There's even more at the back of my mind.

I kinda not look forward to being in the same class as you next sem though. Shit will definitely happen with your fucking attitude. 

Fuck you

Ranted

So I've ranted to you about the past few issues.
Though this blog is still unknown to you.
Didn't cried like this for a long time and it was about time for me to vent out everything I've kept inside of me.
Now that you've known, i hope things will get better even if it takes awhile.
So hopefully i can now sleep and wake up without worrying so much?
To be continued...?

Care

Yet another topic. Care.
Up till now no matter how many times I've mentioned this to you.
You never truly listened.
Whenever i go home.
Whenever i go to work alone.
Whenever i don't meet you on that day.
Always am i the one who text you first asking about your day.
And what about you?
All you care was your fucking manga, anime or tv shows.
Not a single message left for me whenever you are not around.
All i wanted was just a "how's your day?" or "are you doing good?"
But none of that ever happened.
You can even let the day pass without messaging me the whole day and seems like its nothing to you.
So what am i to you?
Even a pet has more care from its owner everyday.
What about me?
Not a "reach home safely" or "be careful out"
What if something will to happened when i'm on the way home or when i'm out?
What if i got into a accident or even died outside while you're still reading your fucking manga?
Will you regret the rest of your life for not checking on my well being?
Will you live past the day you doing whatever you were doing and i was lying on my death bed waiting for a fucking text from you?!
Will you care for me a little more then?

Something

It upsets me whenever i think of this.
Have you truly done something for me before?
I've made several things for you during monthsaries.
I've plan dates to make it a special outing for you.
I've bought you things that you like.
I've gave you lots of surprises such as fetching you after work unsuspectingly.
But what have you done for me?
You've never made a single thing for me.
You never did planed a date for me.
You never did a surprise for me.
But you recorded a song for your friend.
You stitch and made gifts for your friends during their birthdays.
But what about me?
Do i not want something like this?
Do i not like surprises?
I wonder is it because i don't know you longer then they do?
So why is it so?
I feel like shit.
Not given a single fuck at times about my well being.
You did so much for your friends.
But it seems like i never come first.
I just want something. Something from you.

Unimportant

At times i wonder, do you even care about me?
What I'm going through?
What I'm doing?
What i want.
Instead in this relationship I've given you almost everything i can.
Everything you wanted i gave you.
But when it comes to me.
Do you really know what i want?
To be honest from the start of this relationship, i don't think that you've given me much.
Simple things i requested often turned into big disappointment.
And those disappointments has lead me into who i am and what i feel today.
Numb. Numb to all this disappointments but still hoping for something to happen.

Little thoughts

I wonder how long do i still have with you.
I wonder if we could get back the same as we used to be.
I wonder if you've already found out how i'm am feeling.
I wonder if you know, i'm trying to stay strong.
But not for long.

Secrets

I guess this is the place where i can really express my feelings about myself and to myself.
If you find this, prepare to lost it. Even my twitter is full of shit. I have no one to talk to or nothing i can do about it. I've been living in the dark trying to find my way out. Trying to find the 'me' that i've lost finding 'you'.

I'm tired.

I've been trying very hard.
I've been holding on for very long now.
I'm feel lonely even i have you.
We lack communication.
We lack closure.
Whatever that has been happening to us, we just look pass it and sweep everything under the rug.
I'm not sure how long more can i hold on before i break.
Because once i break, there will be none left of me.
I miss the old times together.
I can't sleep at night without thinking what tomorrow holds of us.
How long can this last?
I'm tired. I'm exhausted.